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The journey to Self Development

As I start this journey, I’d just like to say this is going to be a never ending trip.  I will take every  moment to notice and understand everything that happens to me on the inside and out.  I will do my best to take mental notes and zone in on everything I feel .  Ok .. I’m lying. I am starting this journey in a REALLY awkward position, but I will start from day 1 .

You know when you feel in a circle of confusion and uncertainty? The feeling of doing your best to move and never look back but you don’t even notice you keep doing same things over and over again.

Well, I did… I felt it .. I was going full speed in life, With a significant other , that at the time I couldn’t see myself living without.  I was too comfortable in this teeny tiny little circle, going full speed ahead, No complicated turns, or traffic jams.  Just easy.

One day I started to realize what was happening.  I was sitting still when I felt like I was moving a million miles a minute.  I was sinking.. really. I was Drowning in my own frustration from the things some writer’s like to call “Blind spots” OR the things we don’t realize things or people that annoy, bother, disturb our daily peace of mind.

Being the smart little journaler I am, I realized that since I was going in a circle of  nonsense, My best bet is to examine and figure out what changes needed to be made in order to come up with some sort of PEACE!

Step 1: I eliminated the job I was working.  Not only did I know I could do better but I was working for the world I did not belong in.  I am an extremely hardworking woman, I will pick up tasks that don’t belong to me and complete them, I will contribute even when it’s not necessary and the workplace I was working for was the most Negative, back breaking employee type surroundings that I had to get away from.  I realized that no matter what I did on my Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights to try and get out of that place with a smile, I would fail miserably.  I left there every weekend in a dreadful mood. I was this way with my family, my friends .. the people that mattered most.  I decided I no longer cared about the consequences in real LIFE that I would receive for “quitting” my job and decided to make a drastic change by Quitting.. the job.  Since then –Only 1 month later – I got a job that pays $8 more and is much more relaxed. People understand that respect is required in the workplace and there is no need for consistent negativity.  This was the beginning of my journey.

Step 2:- change 2 : Relationships

I really took a step back and took a look at my current relationship… “Is this working?” I asked myself .  I would sit back and examine it from every level.  I journal and most of it are about my relationships so, I went back and reflected on similar dates in previous years.  I wanted to understand If it’s not working? Is it me? If it’s me .. why is it me? And almost certainly it is not easy to pinpoint yourself in the center of all problems, but I made a promise to myself that I would develop myself first.

How can you expect anyone else to get to know you, to love you for you if you don’t know who YOU are ?  In fact. . I came to the conclusion , I do not know who I am anymore , After 8 years of molding and adapting to someone who is nothing like me, I realized, It was not him, It’s me.  I was frustrated with myself for being so adjusted and irritated with every LITTLE thing he did when in my heart, I felt like he was doing nothing wrong.  I finally got the balls to sit down with my significant other and let him know from top to bottom how I was feeling.  He just so happened to completely understand and wanted to allow the separation.  The understanding factor in all this failed miserably when all of our past histories came flooding back in, all 8 years of pain and suffering instead of love and joy.. so the next few weeks after this conclusion were extremely rough .  We wanted to remain friends but there were too many little things prying their way in , clouding the sweet thoughts I had for him at one time.

Step 3.  My kids

After becoming a mom almost 6 years ago I never really realized how big of a leap in responsibility I was leaping until recently.  Honestly, I’ve been living life as though I was still a single person without kids, but taking care of kids. If that makes any sense at all ? I wasn’t taking the time needed to show them the time and love they deserve.  I have my moments of being an amazing mommy, which is really not hard at all. It’s the moments when I’m having my own personal issues… My own life trials that it’s oh so hard for me to separate and detach from those feelings and become a mommy again – though I never stopped being one. I just would take the unnecessary time that should have been being used for improving my own mothering, my own self-worth in teaching them, I’m learning myself and I’m just now realizing it.   Luckily .. It’s still very early in their lives and I’m grateful that I was able to realize these keynotes in life this  early.

At this point I have started researching and reading books, and taking steps to start writing again, as I definitely had a quick writer’s block in my way, not laying down my thoughts as need be.   But, I’m back. It’s time to improve myself.  I am in search of the young lady I was before I fell in love with my exact opposite.  I am searching to improve my life to be the  best me I can be to teach my little girls what a Real woman is supposed to act like.

I have so many questions and things to look into but, my first task is trying to find me.  Who am I? What do I stand for? How did I survive all that I have?  What is the next step?

I am starting at the bottom of a very long dark pit.  I can see the light, though… It’s shining bright, I just know it’s going to take a lot of hard work, blood , sweat, and tears to make it to the top. And once I make it to the top, before I can even take my first breath of fresh air, I’ve already begun building , to get higher, away from this black pit that I once knew so well.

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