It’s a little sad to say I feel like I’m going through some sort of mid-life crisis in my 20’s. I feel like a psycho now. At first, I was this bubbly, happy go, lucky person, Never really angry. But lately, I’m so frustrated with MYSELF! I can’t seem to sort it out. To place my finger on it. To shut It down, To fix it! Why can’t I fix it? I’ve been a total bitch to people I genuinely like or care about. It’s like subconsciously setting fire to every bridge I’ve ever built. Who does that?
Well, I guess it’s me. I can’t make it up, I think I’m realizing what’s happening because after holding a conversation with someone who told me I OVER, OVER think everything. Well, I also have a problem with speaking on things that I’m overthinking. I take criticism well from work, but outside of work, it’s like Nobody can tell me I’m wrong- which is not cool. There are just so many things that I have to figure out.
When I was in a relationship, this feeling came around much more often, I felt that there were changes that needed to be made IMMEDIATELY! So the miserable, unprofessional JOB that I had at the time was first to go, Second was my relationship. But now that both of those are gone – I have a new job that I’m trying so hard to be grateful for. And I’m single meaning … my inbox is full of a bunch of pretenders lol. The ones I end up REALLY actually liking – even when I should want nothing to do with men right now.. are always the ones to play me! I really only entertain the conversation. My conversation is always genuine. No holding back, and people like that about me.
I’m not going to go too deep into that.
At the end of the day, the dating or entertaining I have been doing I know that it needs to stop. There is no reason for me to be entertaining ANYONE but my girls. I always do anything that I do of my mommy clock. On my own time.
My mom told me the other day, which she’s been trying to say more often to me that I need to NOT make the same mistakes that she did. . . Well .. Let me tell you.
I have been watching my mother and be like my mother in so many ways except 2. Which I have managed to correct. 1. My girls have an amazing daddy that’s not going ANYWHERE, and they both have the same daddy. -ACCOMPLISHED. 2. I hate alcohol, I drink occasionally, socially but I refuse to let something like that take over my life.
My girls have a lot of my time. My mom is the type of mom that notices your sitting down for the first time all day but wants you to get up and find something to do, like NO! I’M OK! my girls are OK! I’m raising them to the best of my ability which is pretty damn good.
Anyways – enough of all that.
I think since I’ve made all of the changes to my life, I’m just getting used to going back to being a full-time single mom. It’s all on me. I can talk about all of the things that have changed in a good way so far. The things that I looked forward to I never run out of gas, I never run out of diapers, I never run out of wipes, I never run out of food …
My house is clean and easy to clean up because it’s ALL on me and the kids.. but they’re my kids, I don’t mind cleaning up after them. I love my quiet time at night, I’m sure I’ll get bored of it soon. . . I love the privilege of being able to do what I want When I want without talking to anyone about it. I know that too, I will long for more of a boundary-filled existence but right now, I feel like a free, busy, bee 😉
Things got much worse before they got better. The other night The kid’s dad decided he wanted to “chill” with me. I accepted, because I had nothing better going on, ONLY to realize how far over him I really am. Not funny but seriously can’t stand being around him. The sad part is, this time, I broke his heart instead of the other way around. He shattered my heart several times, leaving me to mend the pieces by myself and I don’t think I was ever able to even partly get it back together. I have no sympathy for what he’s going through because I survived. I know he’ll be just damn fine and I’m not worried about what happens next in his life. Chapter closed !!